Published April 22, 2008
This story has been taken off YWS by author.
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I really don't know what I intend to do with it. Sometimes I just get inspired and write down something that I have no idea what to do with. This was one of those insipring moments. Maybe sometime in the far future I will make it fuller or whatever.
The only thing i didn't go for was your word choice here.I just think of Heavy to be a old man kind of voice but then you used the word coated which seems to be a nice little smooth addition to a voice. I would have used a different word in place of coated. Possibly "thickened". I cant think of anything really good right now but coated just didn't seem to fit in
Overall this is very good. I can think of many places to fit this into. Do tell what you intend to do with it
yes, i know. my writing really sucks. i just post it on here because, well really i don't know why i post it on here.....
i really like this, but I second eeryone else and I'd love to know what's going on, lol. So either post another chapter that's going to explain this or add more to this one.
Hi!
This is a very short piece, and I see it has already been reviewed to death with grammar, but I will just add my thoughts if you don't mind:
Comma here. Also, I don't like the sentence repetition you have going on here, it drags on and is dreary to read. Try rearranging, i.e. 'Slowly, the darkness crept around me, until I felt suffocated.' Not the best example, but you get the idea?
I dislike the repetition of 'voices'.
Comma here.
Combine these sentence, also I doubt the bad guys would recognise, let alone call their actions as 'bad'.
This continues with the repeated problems. I see a few grammar errors, and a lot of repetition. You seem to overuse imagery and descriptions, just focus on how to portray these points.
-Mark
Whoa. i liked it. The ending was really suprising. Actually, I think the ending was the best part of the whole piece.
I second Peri.
The dialogue was rather good, but I'm confused. If you gave her a setting, and everyone faces, I think this could be a lot better. Also, is this a prologue? Short story? Right now, I think it only works as a prologue, so if it's not one, maybe give it more of an ending?
A short crit for a short piece!
~JFW1415
I think a comma goes after whispered.
Okay, you already said "squeezed my eyes shut" you just added tighter. It might be best to re-word this.
Where is the pain coming from? Describe what it feels like.
You also never told us she thought she was "imagining" this. You should either tell us beforehand or nix it.
You already said "invisible force" change the wording.
II. OVERALL IMPRESSION
The only main problems you have here is repeating descriptions and lack of description. You thrust the reader into a setting they know nothing about. Describe it with sensory appeal. What does it smell like? Sound like? How does the heroine feel and why is the heroine there? Otherwise, I thought it was good and pretty interesting. I think you should expand and describe more.
I have to say I agree with the people above, it is rather confusing as to what is going on...maybe write more and it helps to explain?
Sorry for being clueless, the overall piece was written very well.
This piece threw me off a bit,
I was imagining that the invisible force was something a little more internal.
Maybe it is? I don't know.
I definitely agree with the people above me, whats the context of this?
I enjoyed this a lot though.
You've got me interested in this, no doubt about that. I found a typo just like the other's before me have mentioned, but I guess it doens't take much away from this little piece of work. I would really like to know what's going on though it's kind of vague.
Really nice, love the imagery. You mispelled invisible up there... says "invisable". 'Sides that, I love it... freaky!
i think it was clear what went on, she was being sent to hell. other than that, it was a bit vague.
I have to agree with the person above me. Just what is going on here? Give us some context so that we can understand things. It is well written, I'll give you that, but not knowing why it is happening is a real downer. If you could elaborate on that it would make the story so much better.
Hm...I think I would have enjoyed the piece more if I knew the context. Is it a prologue? A chapter of a longer work?
Spelling: suffocated, not sophocated.
I'm really picky about commas; you need one after the "answer" (instead of a period) and one after "whispered."
Instead of "till," use "until." It makes your voice sound more sophisticated.
Other than those two nitpicky things, I would suggest working on starving your adjectives and feeding your verbs. This is something I struggle with often, but the truth is, adjectives can make a good piece of writing cliche.
Another suggestion is to make the German accents apparent in the dialog. For example, instead of "We'll do bad things" use "Ve'll do bad things." I'd suggest learning how a German accent sounds, then mirroring that in your writing. It's hard to do, but it pays off.
Last but not least, make it longer. You have a lot of potential in this idea, so I'd suggest expanding this piece.
All in all, good work. You describe the scene pretty well. If you have any questions or expand the piece, PM me. I'd love to know the context of this conflict!